Last night, I attended a "young" widow/widower support group. I don't think I will be going back. I suppose I was under the impression that there would be people close in my age range but one fellow member is 1 month away from what would have been their 50th wedding anniversary. Another had 25 years together. I cannot relate to this when I didn't get a long life with my husband. These people had children and a life with their person. Some even have grandchildren!! Maybe it was wrong of me to assume that they'd be closer in age in a young widow/widower support group because I was the one disappointed in that aspect in the end.
What was the piece that shut me off was the end? A member started saying that his loss was worse because their person died suddenly instead of my husband who died from cancer because I "saw it coming". This is one of those unhelpful statements that really irritates me. Sure, you can try and say it but it's not fair. We knew Randy had cancer but Randy was getting better. He was doing better. He did have the side effects that were kicking his ass but he was doing well. All of his tumors shrunk in round one. We had NO reason to believe that we were at the end of the road. Randy went into sudden liver and kidney failure. He passed away 2 1/2 days after he was admitted. I had to prepare myself to lose my husband within 1 1/2 day. Taking care of your person is a very humbling experience for both parties and in the end, it's comforting to know that I did everything I could have done to care for him. Watching someone fight for their life is not comforting- it is heartbreaking. Watching him become less coherent and struggle to speak is not a comforting thing. Watching him no longer able to walk or even stand is not comforting. The only thing cancer gave us was an opportunity to say goodbye. Frankly, I never said goodbye to him. The last thing I said to him was "I love you" and he said "I love you too". If he had slipped into a coma and passed like they told me he would, maybe I would have said goodbye. Maybe. At the end of the day, I know I will see him again. It's not "goodbye" but "see you soon".
Please don't say such a hurtful thing to someone that has lost someone to cancer. It's wrong. It's hurtful and frankly, it's ignorant.
I don't know that I will be back because the leader didn't even stop him when he said this. It was not conducive to the group and it was hurtful to not only me but the other widow who lost her husband to cancer as well.
Please watch what you say.
P.S. I am currently working on an "unhelpful statements" blog so that you are aware of those things that are not helpful to a grieving person.
I’m sorry to hear the group was so unhelpful. I wonder if there are online groups where you’d be able to talk to other actual young widows. It’s a rare thing and there may just not be that many in your immediate community. I still pray for you often.