I am sure you can imagine how many times I have heard this statement in the past 3 months. For the first two weeks, I was surrounded and I never felt alone. Everyone was really trying to comfort me and be there for me. After those two weeks, everyone dropped off the face of the earth. There was a stillness in the quiet. Time stood still and to be honest, it still does. It is as if I am paralyzed, still stuck in November. Time has not passed for me. I feel frozen in time and I am frozen in November. I am stuck in this moment of losing Randy.
I was reaching out to people but I reached a point when I stopped. That happened through a series of events in January.
As December was inching closer to an end, I was having a break down and it really wasn't a secret or at least I didn't think it was. I posted several times that I couldn't leave Randy behind in 2019. I was destroyed at the prospect that Randy is forever frozen in 2019 and I just couldn't go into 2020 without him. On New Year's Eve, I drank 1.5L of wine and I took a lot of sleeping pills in the hopes that I would not wake up in 2020. I failed.
I made the grave mistake of confiding in someone that I believed I could trust because I knew that my psychologist could make a call and I could be in a 72 hour hold and if that were to be the case, I would miss bible study. This person spilled that information to other people. This wasn't their's to share and I have yet to forgive it. A person's mental struggles are not for others to share. You can do a welfare check without going on a megaphone, disclosing such personal information. You cannot sit here and gossip when someone confides in you about something so personal. If someone chooses to make it public, it is their's to disclose but it is not for you to disclose. It isn't your story and you don't get to tell it.
I was already having trust issues because of Randy's family. I deleted his entire family because I didn't know who I could trust. Randy's immediate family was already blocked on social media. I didn't know if any of his family beyond his immediate family were feeding information to his immediate family that are blocked. I felt that I couldn't trust anyone anymore and when information was shared about this attempt, I shut down. I didn't feel like I could turn to anyone anymore.
I also had shared that I haven't cooked since October 26, 2019. I have either gone out to eat with people or I order in. I stopped reaching out to people to see if they want to join me after the 4th cancelled dinner/ rejection of an invite. After that 4th one, I no longer felt that people wanted to be there for me. I stopped reaching out to people because I just don't feel like people care. It has felt as though people expect me to be fine or that I should be "over it". Mentally, that affects me. I can't reach out anymore because with each rejection or cancellation, it is another blow to my psyche. It is one more instance that shows me that I am alone in this.
I stay in bed because I feel alone. People will tell me I can't do this but I have no reason to get out of bed. I have no where to go or have anything to do. I am struggling to answer your text messages or phone calls. I have nothing to say. I may want to talk but I have nothing. I feel that empty. I feel that alone.
So, I can't reach out because I have tried. For awhile, it was fine but now it's not.
Nothing feels okay or right anymore.
Nothing.
p.s. you can still submit any question that you may have about our relationship, marriage, cancer, caretaking or widow life to be answered in a future blog post
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