Randy was in the care of Hospice Of Cincinnati at the time of his passing. He was in hospice home care for only 6 hours when he took his very last breath. Almost 2 months after his passing, I received a letter from them, inviting me to a list of grief support groups that they hold, one of which was the YOUNG widow support group that I previously wrote about and wasn’t a YOUNG group at all. In this group, the leader bestowed upon us advice to not attend any funerals or weddings that you do not need to be at for one year after losing your spouse. The advice makes sense to people like me who were robbed of a life with their spouse. It’s hard to see others get married and begin their lives when the life you had with your spouse ended before it truly had a chance to begin. I will remain at the starting line while everyone else is well within the race. I continue to wave as they continue to pass me. I broke that rule this weekend upon attending the wedding of Katie and Garrin this past weekend. If this were any other wedding, there is a strong possibility that I would have listened to the advice and abstained from attending. However, after talking to Katie as they were 2 weeks out from their wedding, I offered to help them out in any way I could. Since they live in a different state, it makes some things difficult to plan. I offered to make the In Case Of Emergency bags for them which became very helpful. She also asked me to be there early to help with the vendors showing up. I pointed people to their assigned seats and overall just tried to help her day run smoothly. That morning, I called a friend as I was driving up there because I suddenly felt like I could not breathe. It’s another reminder that our future was taken and that we didn’t have a fighting chance. My lovely friends sent texts to help me get through this day the best that I could. I told Katie about this 1 year advice and she told me if it is too much that i just need to tell her and they will adjust. When Katie and Garrin were about to exchange rings, I had to walk away for a minute. I again felt like I could not breathe. I looked at Katie as I was about to walk away and I think she saw me and knew. I came back out as they were pronounced husband and wife. At that time, I needed to direct the attendees to their assigned table.
The difference in her wedding and literally any other wedding is that she needed/wanted my help. I mean no disrespect when I say that if that wasn’t for that, I probably would not have attended any wedding for at least that one year. It’s hard. You cannot fathom how hard this was for me. I know that it’s not fair to look at another couple and hurt because they have everything Randy and I wanted and longed for. The level of jealousy that I have for you is off the charts. I never want you to hurt like this... not ever. As I was talking with a friend, I told her that I feel that I have a toxic trait of always needing to feel needed. When I don’t feel needed, I feel absolutely worthless. I’ve noticed this more and more. Stormy needed me. Randy needed me. Katie needed me this past weekend. My everyday life of not feeling needed only grows. It never goes away. The relentless feeling will be the death of me. Stormy was my ESA, he needed me just as I needed him. Randy needed me and I needed him.
Where does that leave me now?
Their beautiful wedding left me with flashbacks to last April as I vowed my life to him and the haunting reminder that he’s no longer here. I would have LOVED for Katie to meet him. Katie, you were such a beautiful bride and I’m so thankful that you found the love of your life. Thank you for allowing me to be part of this day so that you had less stress upon you. I have no doubts that you two will have a beautiful life together.
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