I have this flaw that I seem to be the only one within my circle that has. I realize I am calling it a flaw even though right now, it's my major blessing but it can sometimes be a flaw.
I have a tendency to keep text messages. I tend to not delete them. I have text messages that date back to 2016. It can be a major flaw sometimes but sometimes, like right now, it is a blessing.
I have every single text message ever sent between Randy and I. I went looking at our messages to see if I have any photos in there that I had forgotten about. In the midst of looking for photos, I found not one but TWO audio recordings that he had sent me. Both of these audio recordings are him telling me that he loves me. I am certain that you can only imagine the impact of finding these audio recordings now. They made me burst into tears. I can honestly say that I do not remember these recordings at all. I will grant you that my memory sucks though. What a blessing to find these and have them to hold onto!
So, why am I telling you this?
I am telling you this because you don't realize how something like your voice can mean to a person when you are gone. You don't realize how something like a love note can mean to person when you are gone. These are tiny pieces for your loved ones to hold onto forever. There are some people who will keep a cell phone connected because they just want to call it to hear the person's voice on the voicemail greeting!
I'm telling you this because I am going to implore you to step outside of your comfort zone to leave something behind for your significant other. What would be even better is if they have no idea that you have left it behind and they find it waiting for them.
Some people will wait until it is far too late to ask for these things whereas others don't. Some will do these things regularly and for others, it's a struggle because of comfort zones. But what if it was you? What if this was all you had to hang onto when your significant other is gone? You would be so grateful to have something as simple as their voice or a love note. It is a gift and you shouldn't squander it. You can ask for these things while your person is alive. Who knows, maybe your person will see this and decide to leave something behind for you! That would be quite amazing.
I am forever grateful that my beloved husband never shied away from expressing his love for me. I think that we both had such mental damage from previous relationships that we were constantly expressing our love for each other because it was a verbal or written reassurance of our love and commitment towards each other. Now, I have cards, videos and audio that were left behind to get me through very difficult points in this process. There is also a very special 6 minute video that I recorded in June where Randy was telling me all the things he loved about me. Randy did not want me to record it but I begged him, telling him that I would have it forever to which he then conceded and allowed me to record it. I CHERISH THAT VIDEO EVEN MORE NOW!!! These simple things mean so much more to me now because he is gone. I wish I could thank him once again for these things that he left behind for me. What surprises me is that if he had lost me, he would really only have my cards to him. I didn't send him audio of me telling him I love him. I think there is a video or two that I have on my phone where I am telling him I love him. He could see the text messages I obviously have where I am telling him that I love him every single day. But, unfortunately, he would not have had the same amount of things to hold onto in the wake of me. He knew how much I love him and he never questioned it but I feel really bad that he would not have been left with as much. I kind of feel like I would have failed him in this department.
I have wondered where he would be if it had been me that went first. I have wondered how he would continue on without me, knowing that he said he would die of a broken heart. I don't know that he would be doing any better than I am right now. I feel like I'm dying of a broken heart. While these beautiful pieces that were left behind bring comfort, there is no comfort in his absence. I miss him more than words could ever express.
What can you do today to give your loved ones something to hang onto in the event of your passing? What can you do to give them a sense of peace in the wake of losing you? Can you write them something? Can you give them an audio recording? Can you find it in you to go beyond your comfort zone and leave something behind?
Trust me when I say that your loved ones will be forever grateful.
(The "your favorite husband" will always crack me up because he was my one and only husband- Randy had quite the sense of humor)
p.s. You can still submit any question you may have about our relationship, marriage, cancer, caretaking or widow life to be answered in a future blog
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