I have vented/cried to family and/or friends about the unhelpful things that have been said to me in the midst of losing Randy. These things may have been said with good intentions but they actually REALLY hurt me. Please bear in mind, they may not have the same affect on others but they have truly affected me. This is not meant to offend or hurt anyone but I am merely trying to share these statements that affected me so that maybe others may choose words or statements a little more carefully in the future.
1. "You knew this was coming". Please allow me to do a MAJOR eye roll! I'm sorry but it doesn't matter if you know it's coming or not, a loss is a loss. Furthermore, I did NOT know we were at the end of the road. I was blindsided in the ER on November 3,2019 when the oncologist said that if his liver didn't improve, we would only have WEEKS left. On November 5, 2019 I was told we were looking at DAYS left! My husband died less than 24 hours after that statement. I could not have prepared for this. Everything happened so quickly but even if it didn't, this was my HUSBAND! I was never going to be ready to say goodbye. The last time this was said to me, it was because I was given time to say goodbye but I never said goodbye to him. Even at the funeral, I never said goodbye. I know I will see him again in the end. I told him a million time that I love him. I said this to him constantly even when he didn't have cancer. Cancer changed nothing in our dynamic. I loved him and cared for him with or without cancer. When you say this, if feels that you are diminishing this loss, solely because he battled cancer all year. Your statement is based on his cancer battle which really isn't fair. This entire statement is not fair and should not be said-ever!
2. "You were a person before Randy and you will be a person after Randy." This one really irritates me too because there are two things in life that change you; Love and Grief. My life was changed when Randy walked into my life. Everyone around me said that they had never seen me so happy- my life with Randy was that difference! Equally, others said the same about Randy- that they had never seen him so happy and I was that difference in Randy's life. We were blissfully in love. Losing Randy has changed me. I am not the person I was when Randy was alive and I shouldn't be expected to still be that person. This statement, to me, insinuates that his presence made no difference in my life even though he made all the difference in the world.
3. "Your marriage is OVER" This one gets under my skin for many reasons. I did NOT choose to be separated from my husband. I did not leave him and I did not divorce him. My marriage isn't OVER. I am still very much in love with my husband. My husband is ever present in my life. It's not over. We were a couple that wanted to spend every moment together. Randy would text me at work, telling me how much he missed me and how much he wanted to be at home, cuddling up with me. I dare you to TRY and convince me that my husband isn't waiting for me on the other side. My marriage isn't OVER just because he is in heaven because in a matter of time, I will join him. I eagerly await our reunion.
4. "You can find another husband and be happy again." This was actually said to me the day my husband passed away which just makes it that much more horrifying. There are many versions of this statement in pushing me to date again. The reason I get these statement is because I am a 31 year old widow. No one would say these things to those 50+ but because I'm a young widow, it's expected that I should want to date again. Every widow has the right to make a choice of what is right for them and my choice is to not enter that dating pool. I don't want anyone else. I just want my husband. I will expand on this in this next one.
5. "It's 'til death do us part' and death parted you" I never hid how serious I felt about marriage because I didn't want Randy to have a fear that I would walk away. I told him that the only way out is through the grave. Randy appreciated my strong feelings towards marriage and the vows that we take. Randy and I took 3 sets of vows. The first set of vows stated that I would Love, Honor and Cherish him for as long as we BOTH shall live. The second did say "til death do us part". The final set said "I give you this ring as a symbol of our unending love". All of these point to the deep love that we share for each other that doesn't just go away. Knowing this, I will to love, honor and cherish him for the rest of my life. I will await the day we are reunited. In the meantime, I will keep doing what I'm doing that keeps him in the forefront of my mind and always in my heart. Our love story will always be my favorite and no one could ever attempt to step into his place. Please don't mention this to anyone because it is hurtful. You don't know what someone's intentions are and it should not be expected that anyone would want to enter the dating pool. Whether or not a person begins dating again is their choice- not yours. Please leave it alone.
6. "God never gives you more than you can handle" This is not factual. This is not stated anywhere in the Bible! I don't know where this cliche came from but I wish it would go away. I have been through A LOT in the past 10 years and times like these are when I'm pushed to my limit. It's not just the loss of my husband when his hateful family wants to cause drama because they don't receive anything whether they wanted money or possessions. One of his siblings went to see a lawyer to try to take it from me (he didn't get anywhere with that). The drama with his family put me in a fight or flight mode and I flew. When you tell me that "God never gives you more than you can handle" I roll my eyes because I am constantly pushed to my limit. It's not biblically accurate. People will try and cherry pick scriptures to try and prove their point that it is but I assure you that this is not a phrase that is in the Bible. What is supposed to be this uplifting statement is actually very annoying. You suggest that the person is weak for feeling crushed. It almost feels like the trials that I'm going through are diminished because it's not "more than I can handle". Try telling this to the mother of the 8 year olds that are killing themselves because of bullying. You probably wouldn't. So please STOP!
7. "God only takes our husbands when we are strong enough to handle it" This was actually the first hit that I took and I cried for awhile after it. I got it a day after Randy was admitted. I came back into his hospital room, crying. Randy asked me what was wrong and I told him. He said, "you know that is not true" and he held his arms out for a hug. He was on a death bed and comforting me. He knew I was hurting in so many ways and he needed me to know that it was okay to hurt. In the 6 months of married life with him, he knew I was not strong enough to lose him. God's plan to take Randy home had nothing to do with my strength but solely on His plan. God had a plan for Randy and it had been fulfilled. That had nothing to do with me other than my job of being the caretaker to my husband had come to an end.
8. "Everything happens for a reason" This statement can be very hurtful even though it is an attempt to comfort. It is also not in the Bible. Again, you can try and cherry pick scripture to attempt to prove your point but you won't find it and it is flawed. By saying this, you are attempting to say that God micromanages everything and we do not have free will. Be careful with a statement like this because many of you wouldn't say this about the plane shot down, about the fires in Australia, about the victims of mass shootings or the earthquake in Puerto Rico.
9. "Someone always has it worse" This statement annoys me to no end. When you say this to anyone, regardless of the circumstance, you belittle the situation. NO ONE tells someone in the midst of their joys "someone always has it better" so WHY would you diminish someone's trials by saying "someone always has it worse"? VALIDATE their feelings. DO NOT diminish them! This pain is unimaginable and the severity of that pain should be acknowledged instead of diminished.
10. "I know how you feel because I have lost ____" If you have not lost a spouse, you do NOT understand. You do NOT know how I feel. I've lost grandparents, uncles, friends, pets and now my spouse. I don't know what it's like to lose a parent or sibling- frankly I don't want to but that loss is completely different from the loss I am suffering from. I lost my best friend, my routine, my normal, our shared dreams, our expected future, our plans, his strengths, our inside jokes, my emotional supporter, my greatest cheerleader, my confidante, our anniversaries, my identity, our signs of affection, the loss of intimacy, and financial security. It is an all encompassing loss. It is multifaceted. Until you are part of this horrific club, you do NOT understand. Your loss of ___ is not like the loss of a spouse.
11. "I know what you're going through because I lost my spouse in the divorce" This irritates me because a divorce is a separation by choice. Your spouse didn't DIE. I had to watch the life slip out of my husband's body. I had to give a eulogy at his funeral. You lost your husband because you had issues within your marriage that you couldn't or wouldn't fix for whatever reason. You chose to be separated whereas I did NOT. Your ex is still very much alive. The loss of your relationship is not the same as the death of a spouse. Death is permanent. I would give everything to have my husband alive and next to me. This is not the same so please stop comparing it!
12. "You are so strong" or "Stay Strong" This statement annoyed me because I cannot even describe how broken I have felt over the last 2 months. When Randy was in the hospital, I was having anxiety attacks so bad that I was dry heaving. I couldn't sleep. I really didn't eat. I repeatedly said that I wasn't strong enough to do this because I did (and still do) feel unbelievably weak! Tell me that it's OK to not be OK. Validate my feelings without making me feel inadequate because I am feeling weak.
13. "He's in a better place" Look, I know my husband is in heaven and I know that he is no longer in pain but that doesn't negate the fact that I wasn't ready to lose him. That doesn't negate the fact that I want him here. I want to be with my husband. Sure, you can attempt to find comfort in that statement but it doesn't help me when I just want to be with my husband. I want the future that we dreamed of having.
14. "Time heals all wounds" Nope. It doesn't. There will always be a gaping hole in my heart because he isn't here with me. Time doesn't heal the loss. It just doesn't. It's an empty statement that offers no comfort.
15. "He would want you to be happy" This one I do not understand. I don't understand it because if you are asking me not to grieve this loss or to not cry, I think that shows an indifference for the deceased. Let me grieve the loss of my husband the way I need to without interference from someone else. Randy and I talked about the loss of one another often enough and at no point did he ask me to NOT cry over him. He knew how devastated I would be if I were to lose him.
16. "He can't go to heaven until you stop crying" Seriously?? I guess he will not get there until I'm gone too. I will never stop crying over losing him. I cry every single day and many times, all day long. Why? BECAUSE I LOST MY HUSBAND! Don't tell me to not cry over the loss of him! What an awful statement. Please never utter those words again.
17. "He wouldn't want that for you" What's funny about this statement is that 9 times out of 10, it actually comes from someone that didn't know my husband. I will leave this one at, if you didn't know the person, you shouldn't attempt to speak for them.
18. "You have already survived it" No. I haven't. Grief is an on-going process that many times never ends. I am still in the hurricane with no end in sight. Please don't tell me that I've reached the end when I haven't. Sunshine and rainbows only appear after the storm- the storm that is still relentlessly raging on.
19. "I'm always here for you" To anyone that is dealing with anything difficult, this is a common statement and the reason I'm placing it on here is because the majority of the time, they don't mean it. When you try to reach out to that person, they either don't answer the phone or if it via text, they don't know what to say so they say nothing. Saying nothing actually makes it worse. It makes you feel like what you said isn't worthy of a response. It makes you feel like you aren't worthy of their time or support. I am urging you to ONLY say this if you mean it. That person in your life needs support and if you cannot deliver it, do not offer it. It is a very nice gesture in theory but we have come to know, all too well, that it's merely an empty promise of support as so few people actually mean it.
20. "You need to move on like everyone else" First of all, do not ever tell anyone to "move on". Randy's life and love do not just disappear and they shouldn't. Second of all, Randy was the love of my life and they doesn't just go away. There is no "moving on". Moving forward in a life without him is unbelievably difficult and no one should pretend that it's not. I don't care how long it has been, do not say this to anyone. It is not your grief. Everyone grieves differently and it is therefore not your right to try and tell someone how to grieve the loss of their person. Please never speak these horrifying words.
Moral of the story: If you do not know what to say, DON'T say anything at all. Just leave it at "I'm so sorry for your loss" and walk away.
I will also be posting a blog about the things that have been helpful that people have said.
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