Growing up, my ultimate dream was to have the story that my parents did. I wanted to marry my high school sweetheart, have 4 kids and grow old together. I wanted it more than you could ever imagine. Life stood in the way of that dream.
I've had a lot of boys enter and exit my life. Some of these boys did serious damage and some of them didn’t stick around long enough to cause any potential damage other than the belief that I’d be alone for the rest of my life. At the end of the summer of 2017, I swore off dating. I was done. It was December of 2017 that I thought about potentially signing up for Christian mingle.
When Randy came into my life, I knew he was special. I also know my attempts to push him away were attempts to protect my heart from what always happened. Randy wasn’t going anywhere. He saw ME instead of my disorder. He was also one of the very few boys willing to put God first and wait for marriage. He respected the choice I wanted to make. When Randy promised me that he would love and take care of me for the rest of my life, I believed him. There was a good chance I was going to make him a widower and that didn’t scare him off. The prospect of losing me would make him tear up but it didn't make him run.
But within 1 year, I had to try to mentally prepare myself for the very real possibility that it may be the other way around. I could end up being the widow. This was not something I was prepared for. Honestly, I don't know that you can truly prepare for this. Randy knew that time with me may be limited but loved me anyway. I did not truly know that I could end up losing him. I wasn't prepared for that. I accepted this fate 2 days before his passing. I knew how serious his condition was and I had to accept that. As much as I wanted and needed him here, I had to accept that it may be God's will for him to go Home.
My ever optimistic husband believed with every fiber of his being, that he would survive this. He would always try to reassure me that he would be fine. The problem was that Randy was Unaware of the fact that only 6 people in the world have survived liver cancer and Randy's cancer had spread into his liver. He believed he would survive this. His hope gave me hope. The setbacks gave me anxiety attacks like you can only imagine. I think he worried about me sometimes because he saw the effects that this struggle had upon me. Caretaking isn't easy but losing your person is even worse.
You can imagine my disappointment and utter devastation that our story ended before it had the opportunity to really begin. I have broken into a billion little pieces and I cannot pick up the pieces of this shattered life that we were trying to build together. I honestly do not know how to continue on without him. He should be here. I cannot do this without him and honestly, I don't want to. I would give everything to have him back even if it was only for 1 more day. I needed more time.
At 31, I am a widow. I am left to live a life without the love of my life. There’s no growing old together. There are no children. There’s no house with the white picket fence. Life is not a fairy tale and I no longer believe that “happily ever after” exists.
PS- You can still submit your questions about our relationship, our marriage, caretaking, his cancer or widowhood to be answered in a future blog post.
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