In the past five months, I have repeatedly been asked this one question.
"If you could go back would you have done anything differently?"
This question, to me, insinuates that if I could go back, I never would have gone on this journey with Randy at all. I promise you, I would do it all again in a heartbeat, knowing how it would end because that is how much I truly love him. That love doesn't die just because he did. I will love him forever. What we had was special and I wouldn't change that.
Now, if you truly want to know what I would do differently, I'll tell you but it's not what you'll expect.
1. I would jump into our relationship, full speed. I wouldn't hesitate. I'd place trust in what we had sooner. The longest relationship I had since I developed RSD, was only 2 months. I went in, feeling like a time bomb. The thing is, Randy didn't see my disorder. Randy saw ME. He wasn't going to run and because of the stupid boys before him, I kept waiting for him to walk and even pushed him away.
2. I wouldn't walk away for that month. Again, trusting in what we had. When we circled back to each other, everything was completely different. I think he knew that.
3. I would make my intentions crystal clear when we circled back to each other. Randy didn't really pick up on me flirting with him. He never picked up on any subtle hints.
4. I would marry him sooner. I would find a way to give him the church wedding that he desired sooner.
5. I would do my job as a wife and caretaker. I would do research on the treatment plans instead of trusting the doctors and the recommended treatment plan. I placed my world in their hands and they failed me. They failed us. I will always feel like I failed to protect my husband because of the fact we took the recommendation at face value. It will be one of my biggest regrets for the rest of my life because although I cannot say if he would be alive today, if I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have let him do that treatment plan. He would have agreed and asked for something else. I didn't know the dangers of the drug until it was too late. I know that Randy also took the treatment plan at face value as well because you SHOULD be able to trust your doctors but this one doctor single handedly made me lose trust in all of them. This is a huge piece that I wish I could change and it will forever be a huge regret in my life.
6. I would have a different response to the loss of Ezri. I deeply regret my reaction. I was really angry and I know that if the roles were reversed, he would have quickly forgiven for it. I was consumed with anger because to me, it felt like he didn't trust my judgement and we lost little Ezri. Randy was riddled with guilt over the loss and I know I didn't help that. He knew how angry I was but I still told him I loved him every night. One night, he told me he was going to sleep on the couch and I told him to get in the bed. He thought I needed space from him. I reminded him that before we got married, I told him that I may not always like him, but I will always love him. I'm angry but I love you. I will always love you. The day after we found Ezri's body, I had to put how I was feeling aside because I needed to comfort him the way he tried desperately to comfort me when I lost Stormy. He is the person that wants to be held and cry. Putting that aside to help him brought us closer. The days leading up to finding her body is a huge regret that I have and I wish I could go back and fix that too. I hate my angered response to losing her. In the end, I lost a little over a week with him because I was so angry and it was in the last month of his life. We were outside, desperately looking for her. We didn't talk a lot. I regret that. I regret it more than you know.
You see, these things that I wish I could change are my actions, behaviors and responses. I wouldn't change our short time together but I would change the things I did that created issues.
The thing is, we are all human. We all do things that can upset people. There were things Randy did that upset me from time to time and there were things that I did that upset him. Forgiving and moving forward is the important part of it all.
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