I have to say without a shadow of a doubt that the night is by far the worst time for me.
Every night I would lay next to Randy and he would say, "Goodnight my queen" before falling asleep. He would have his arm around my waist or he would be holding my hand. The bed feels so empty without him.The sounds and movements were comforting and without them, I struggle to sleep. It's not the same. It will never be the same.
For a few weeks, I could not bring myself to sleep in our bed. I slept over at my parents' house. It was a struggle for me to return home but I had to for my feather babies.
I can keep myself busy throughout the day but, at the end of the day, I put the birds to bed and then it's quiet. The loss of him feels like a ton of heavy bricks that hit all at once, rendering me unable to breathe. I curl up to his box and cry my eyes out. I have gone through a ridiculous amount of tissues because I become utterly inconsolable. This is an indescribable loss. Those 1-2 hours after putting our birds to bed that we once shared at bedtime are gone. I am left alone, in our bed without my partner. I can no longer curl up to him and watch shows. I can no longer play games with him.I can no longer talk with him about current or future events. I can no longer kiss him goodnight. We can no longer be intimate. That sense of security of having him here is gone. I felt safe with him here and I don't feel like I will have a sense of security ever again. I miss waking up to his sweet face. I even miss him asking if I would make him waffles in the morning.
Every single night, I tell Randy how much I love and miss him. Many nights I can feel his presence and those are the nights I talk to him the most. The nights I do feel him, there's a comfort in the room. The nights I don't, the loss is even worse.
I miss him than my words could ever possibly express. I would give everything to have him back. I miss time with him. We never took the time for granted but I wanted and needed more.
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