There’s not a single person that envisions the life I’ve been given and trust me when I tell you that I don’t want it. Now, more than ever, I wish for an end to my life. There’s nothing left to keep me here. In a matter of days, I’ll be forced to face what should have been our first wedding anniversary. What should have been this day of celebration together, I now have to face it alone. There’s no celebration. There’s only a dark reminder of what this day should have been. There is never going to be a day when I’m capable of understanding any of this. At the end of the day, my soul is crushed because my person isn’t here anymore. The dreams we once shared, crumbled before my very eyes. That fairy tale that every girl dreams of is just that... a tale. Fairy tales aren't real. Happily Ever After doesn't exist. Real life is hard and it’s not fair. There is nothing fair about any of this. I genuinely don’t know how to keep going without him. I feel like I can’t breathe.
I get very upset that we couldn't have one year. There are people in miserable marriages who get years and decades. We were so happy and so in love but we were torn apart. It's like he is the star crossed love of my life and I can't understand why he was ripped away from me. I cannot comprehend why I had to lose him. I would give everything to have him here with me. I would search the world for him, even if it was just to see him for a moment.
For those of you wondering how I'm doing, know that I am in a day to day struggle. I am struggling to function. This is why I have been absent on here. I'm having such a hard time as this day approaches. It's difficult to sit here and look at my Facebook memories because we were so excited about wedding day. We were so excited about our future together. There was so much love and excitement and now, what do I have left? I have all the love in the world for him but he is not here to celebrate that anniversary. He's not here. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to keep going.
You should be here, Randy. You should be here. If love could have saved you, you would have lived here forever with me. Just know, I will carry that love with me until I can hold you in my arms once again.
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