I am shaking as I am writing this because this is really affecting me. It perhaps would not affect others but it’s affecting me. Last year, Randy and I were so excited to be able to file a joint tax return this year. This would be the first time that my marital status were to change and we we’re excited! It was one of those “firsts“ that we were looking forward to, as odd as that may sound. I began receiving all the necessary documents last month and I took everything to a local tax preparation company on the first weekend in February. I stopped in to see what the status was. I learned that I will have to pay the government $700 because I married Randy. Because I married Randy, and he had a taxable income, my social security became taxable and I, therefore, owe them $700. Apparently, Trump withdrew the $1,000 tax credit that all of my brothers received when they wed. Randy and I were completely unaware that this tax credit was gone. We had planned on taking our tax return and putting it towards the upcoming cruise that we were given for Christmas in 2018. Instead, he would have been just as shocked to learn that we would owe. Here’s where I got shaken. This year, I filed as married. That’s no surprise. We knew that. Originally, I was told that for the following two years I would file as a widow. I’ve now been told I cannot file as a widow because we did not have a child together. If I file anything next year, I will be forced to file as a "single". This may not be how it is but let me tell you how it feels... When you’re telling me that I cannot file as a widow (as I justly am), you are telling me that Randy’s life, his love, and our marriage either never happened or are irrelevant. You are not recognizing that vow. You are not recognizing the love we had for each other and the commitment we made before God, our friends and family. You are throwing it aside as if it’s nothing. I reject it!! That life that I had with him, regardless of how short it was, it was everything to me. That life was everything! That man was my world and you don’t get to discard him as if it’s nothing! You don’t get to throw our marriage aside. You don’t get to deem it irrelevant because I did not bear a child! I stood before God, our friends and our family and I vowed my life to him. That day, April 27, 2019, I became his wife. On November 6, 2019 I became his widow. That’s not dismissed because I did not bear a child! And let’s not forget that if we had conceived, we would have been dealing with severe birth defects due to his chemotherapy. It would have been reckless of us to try and have a child when he was fighting like hell for his life!
If you would like me to be brutally honest on the subject, I will be. Randy was pro-life. I am pro-choice. I believe that it will never be my right to choose how others live their life. I also know the severity of the situation if I were to get pregnant, especially if it had been with Randy. Before we got married, we had to have a serious discussion because we understood how serious our situation was. Randy and I had to come to an understanding that in the event that I somehow got pregnant, we would need to terminate. The cost would be too great. We faced those severe birth defects but we had other issues. We had to also take into account my health and Ohio laws. IF I managed to carry this child, they would actually take that child away because that child would come out addicted to my medicine that I am on for my disorder. I would go to jail and the child would be put in foster care. Does that get you what you want?? In the summer of 2019, Randy agreed to go get a vasectomy as the strict laws began to roll out but we never got that far because we had to jump back into chemotherapy. Let's take it a step further. The average life span of an RSD patient is 37 and that does not take into account the dysautonomia. That would mean that the child wouldn't even make it to 10 years of age and it could lose its mother! That child would also have a father, fighting for his life. Now, looking at the situation, that child would have never been able to meet its father. Is THAT what you want? You want to only recognize this marriage if a child is brought into the world? Even if it could lose its parents? That's the message you want to send? Randy was prepared to be the widower. would you equally tell him this? That his life, his love, his marriage to me would be irrelevant because I didn’t birth a child to him? Would you refuse to allow him to be a widower? Is this another sexist play that I have to deal with?
I am shaken. Maybe others wouldn’t feel the same but this really hurts. Our life, our love and our marriage deserves to be recognized. No one should be allowed to invalidate it.
I truly feel that this is something we need to fix within our system. We cannot be so reckless to tell people that their marriage will only be recognized if they were to have children. There are couples that cannot conceive. There are couples that it's a very sore subject and we cannot put their marriage aside because they didn't birth children. You cannot be that reckless. You cannot decide that the surviving spouse is not a widow or a widower solely based on a lack of surviving children. You don't get to make a marriage void because of that. How heartless have we become? We must recognize these marriages because regardless of children, couples made a vow that has been recognized by the state. If it is recognized by the state, widowhood needs to be as well. You recognize a marriage for as long as the couple is living, and I therefore feel that we need to recognize widowhood for as long as they live or until they remarry. This is important. We must show our compassion for widows and widowers. We must recognize this loss in their lives.
p.s. You can still submit any question you may have about our relationship, marriage, cancer, caretaking or widow life to be answered in a future blog
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