I am often posed with the question of if my husband's death was sudden or expected and I still fail to know how to properly respond to this question. I feel that this is a loaded question and I truly hate it.
Yes, I knew my husband had cancer. Obviously. We found out while planning our wedding that he had stage 4 cancer. However, Randy went into sudden liver and kidney failure. No one saw that coming! We knew we could lose him because of the cancer but we could not have prepared for what ended up happening. I had to sit back and watch those 2 1/2 days as he progressively got worse before ultimately losing him. 4 days prior, he was upright and his normal self.
But what this question poses is that if it was expected, that it's somehow less than a sudden loss. That's simply unfair. There is no "good" way to lose a person. You cannot adequately prepare to lose a person. You can try but I promise you, there is nothing in the world that prepares you for that moment. Nothing!
There is trauma in this loss. You can't imagine how many times I've closed my eyes and relived those final moments and go into a full anxiety attack. This loss has wrecked me beyond your comprehension.
I think it's important that we are aware of what this question does. This question isn't fair and honestly, no one asks this when it comes to the elderly. You are wanting to reduce my grief because of what we faced. Let's stop asking this question to ANYONE and start understanding the grief that people face in the wake of their loss.
Comments