This is a day that has been on my mind for a little while now because I cannot wrap my head around how on earth it has been six months. It doesn't seem like it has been that long. It still feels like it just happened. So much has happened in the last six months and all of it has truly traumatized me.
In the beginning, my mom told me that if I can do just 1 thing per day, I'll be making progress. So I did one thing every day in regards to his estate and it has been so painful. No one should ever underestimate how awful it is to call accounts to report someone's passing. One of the worst for me was the car insurance because he couldn't be taken off the policy, but instead, they had to close out that policy and start a new one. It made me feel as though he was being erased. I feel like people have underestimated how traumatizing some of these things are. Recently, I had to report his death to the student loans department who forgave his student loans.
There are things I never thought I'd have to do or face that has haunted me. No one told me that I needed to report his death to another county and as a result, they handed $332 that should have been the tax return from state (I had to pay $671 federally) to his ex wife for spousal support. There was a growing balance because they didn't know of his passing. Since I have reported his death, his balance zeroed out however, because the mail was slow on informing me, my efforts to have this appealed were pointless. They already decided. I was informed that I can take her to civil court to get it back though.
There are also people who feel they are entitled to things. There are things I don't mind giving to those that knew and loved him but then there are people who believe that they have rights to things and even going so far as to steal things. Knowing who I can trust and who I can't has been a rather difficult process. There are people who were trusted during Randy's life but couldn't be without him. People betray promises and turn their back on what he wanted.
I still continue to look for him. I continue to expect him to walk through that door. One night, I got up to use the restroom and thought, "I'm going to keep him up all night" because I kept feeling like I had to go really bad. I walked back to our bed and broke because it was another daunting reminder that he's not there. He's not here with me. There are so many days when all I want is to be in his arms because that is where I felt safe and I felt truly loved. That's where I felt at peace. Being in his arms was my happy place.
This life that I had with him was brutally ripped from me six months ago.
I lie in our bed, curled up to his box and just cry. I don't want to leave our bed or him. I don't feel like there is a reason to keep going. He was my reason and my reason is gone.
My brother likes to tell me "you do you, boo"- whatever I need to go to get through.. so I can't apologize for what I need to do in an effort to cope with this unimaginable loss. I can't. The people that want to cast their judgements have never walked this road. I can't apologize and I won't because for me, this feels like it JUST happened. I'm numb. Often times, it feels as thought the clocks move but the time does not pass. The days blur together. I'm not functional and people laugh when I say that but it is the truth.
Randy had promised to love and take care of me for the rest of my life and it was the only promise that really mattered to me. He promised. Instead, I loved and took care of him for him for the rest of his.
Losing him has shattered me beyond repair.
I say this because there are people who, for whatever reason, believe I should be okay. Grief does not have a timeframe. I need you to stop believing or thinking I'm okay because I'm telling you that I'm not. No part of me is okay. Instead, I feel forced to fake it through life. I put on an act for you, turn around to go home and cry to his box. That's what I feel you've forced me to do because you feel I should be ok by now and act stunned when it's proven that I'm not. So take my word for it- I'm not ok. I'm shattered and you can't fix this.
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