I cannot tell you how many times I have felt like my actions or behaviors in the wake of my husband are psychotic. I am going to share some of those with you and hope that you are assured that it's not just you.
First of all, I sleep in my husband's clothes every single night. This is different from what I normally wear and he would tell you the same. I always wore leggings to bed and one of my dresses or in the summer, I would wear a negligee that was given to me at the bachelorette party. I now wear his pj pants and one of his shirts. Sometimes I spray his cologne on it so that it smells like him. Sometimes I am so desperate to feel close to him and sometimes, that is all I get.
Second: My husband was in the hospital in the last 3 (almost 4) days of his life. There was a blanket that he was given in the hospital and it kept him warm for those final days. That blanket was sent off with him when he arrived in Home Hospice Care. After Randy passed away and the funeral home took him, I took that blanket and I was wrapped in it. I have pretty much carried it around as if I am Linus from The Peanuts. When I stayed at my parents' house, I had the blanket. When I went to Florida, I took the blanket. I will have it around me within the house. It kept my husband warm and I just want to be in that piece that kept him warm.
Third: My husband's cremated remains are in my bed. This one is going to sound weird but this is actually very common. I thought I was weird until I learned that so many people do this! When you lose your spouse, the night is the most difficult time for the surviving spouse. You lose that bedtime partner and having your partner back in the bed, even though it's in a completely different capacity, there's comfort in it. I snuggle up to Randy every single night. I tell him that I love him and that I miss him every single day.
Fourth: I had a necklace urn made to place a portion of his remains in so that he is with me everywhere I go. They were even able to place our intertwined thumbprints on the front of it and both his name and dates on the back of it. I love this necklace because I have Randy close to my heart and I never take it off unless I am taking a shower. I need to feel like he is so close to me and this brings comfort.
Fifth: I also went to Build-A-Bear and had a piece of him placed into a stuffed animal. It's a small portion that is in a small bag that is in the center of this stuffed dog. I was also able to use a recording of randy saying "I love everything about you" and place it in the paw of it so every time I squeeze the paw, I hear Randy.
Sixth: I donated to the Clearwater Marine Aquarium and had a paver placed in Randy's honor. Since this was part of our story, I needed to do this. I needed to honor our story and his memory.
Seventh: I put a decal on my car that has a feather that birds fly off the tip of it and it says, "Your wings were ready but my heart was not. Randy 11/12/82-11/6/19"
Eighth: I could not bring myself to sleep in our bed. I actually went home sooner that I probably should have because I had a bird that was acting funny and I figured it was because mom, dad and kiwi are missing. (kiwi is a bigger bird that was at my parents' house) When I did return home, things seemed to return to normal for that bird but for awhile, she looked around for Randy.
Ninth : I still text my husband. I know that he will never see those texts but for whatever reason, it helps. It helps to text him "I love you" or some memory that came to mind. It helps. I can't explain that one.
Tenth: This is probably where I thought I was the biggest weirdo... I didn't want to take a shower because I didn't want to wash my husband off of me. I legitimately cried when I had to take a shower before the funeral.
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