I can tell you honestly that I am living my worst nightmare. This is not the life I ever imagined nor did I want it. I never wanted to be disabled and I sure as hell never wanted to be a widow at 31. This is not a life that anyone in the world could ever prepare you for. I don't want to live it. I don't want to do this.
In the 9 years I have spent being disabled, I have had only a handful of dreams where I am actually disabled. It's very odd. There was one nightmare that I had where I was disabled and it terrified me to go back to sleep for days. Mostly, in the dreams I have, it's as if I am normal. For 22 years, I was normal and in my dreams, the majority of the time, I am still normal. I don't know why this is. I wish I could tell you.
What I find really interesting is that I have had numerous dreams already where I am that widow. These dreams, I chase after Randy. I have literally chased after him in a few of these dreams. I keep trying to find him. There is one where I discovered a shirt and I was clinging to it because it smelled like him.
In some dreams, I am comforted as they are almost like the memories we shared together. It's been as if he has been visiting me. Those are the ones I never want to wake up from. When I do, my living nightmare begins all over again and I have to face yet another day without him.
It kind of makes me wonder how he was prepared to be the widower but no one prepared me to be the widow.
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