Today is 3 months since I lost my beloved husband. I decided to share with you my tribute to Randy. This is the eulogy I gave at his funeral.
Good afternoon everyone. For those of you who may not know me, my name is Ashley and I was Randy's wife.
At the end of the summer of 2017 I had sworn off dating all together. I was convinced I would never find my person. At the end of November, I had texted alyssa and asked her for her thoughts on me joining Christian mingle. She told me I should do it because she felt I would find a like-minded man that would be a legitimate match for me. I then asked for a membership for Christmas (which I didn’t get) but I did receive an email from Christian mingle with a 40% off membership coupon. I met Randy 3 days into that membership. When I tell that story, Randy always said that it was God nudging me and ultimately bringing us together. We would joke that I needed a refund for the 87 remaining days I had left that were unused because I had found my person.
Randy was the most godly man I have ever known. He was also the kindest, sweetest and had the most gentle soul I’ve ever known. Knowing him, let alone calling him my own was a game changer for me. This was the very man I prayed for and he was finally before me. When Randy was in the hospital, Sarah Lewis pointed out that after all we had been through separately, to find each other and show each other the unbridled love that we have for each other was why we were brought together. She continued in telling me that I now know that this kind of love that I’ve had with Randy is proof that it does exist.
Randy would go out of his way to make me feel safe and comfortable. He was my body guard at church by stepping in so that I wasn’t touched and he did it without hesitation because he never wanted me to hurt. If we were in line somewhere and someone was getting too close to me, he would ask them for space so that I wasn’t touched or stepped on. We also had our own little signal that we squeezed the other’s hand when we were uncomfortable. Even going into the pre-marriage counseling sessions, he told me to make sure I did so if I needed him to answer because I couldn’t. He did- every time. He knew my limits and he made up for what I couldn’t.
When I look back on last September, I can’t believe it that this man knew me so well that he made the #1 desire on my bucket list a reality. I not only got to meet Winter the dolphin but he proposed to me through her. Our journey to marriage began with the dolphin that inspired me to keep going when I wanted to quit. This man knew me all too well.
We were 3 months into our engagement with 4 months until our wedding when we received the news that no one ever wants to hear. Randy had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. They acted quickly and he was in treatment within 2 weeks. I was at every doctor appointment and I attended every chemo. We fought this together. I never wanted him to feel alone- not even for one second. He always had me by his side. I held him when he cried and I celebrated with him when we did have good news. When I had the flu in March, he had received news that all of his tumors had shrunk- the folfox was working! I was asleep in bed when he arrived home and he woke me up to tell me the news. In my very dazed state, I told him he better not be lying to me because I can’t handle that kind of nonsense. He laughed at me before grabbing a Gatorade and telling me to drink it. I took a sip of it and went back to sleep. That news excited me. His oncologist gave us so much hope with this news.
We were wedding planning and keeping up with doctors and chemo. In the midst of it, we continued saying that we would be so happy when it was over so that we could relax and just settle into our lives as newlyweds.
There were plenty of days when his cancer never crossed our minds because it was a good day... some days it was impossible to ignore.
Fevers spike, pain levels rise, side effects kick in and suddenly it feels like a losing battle. Nothing has given me more anxiety that chemo side effects and questionable demeanors from doctors. In the end, I trusted those doctors with my life and my entire world but they let me down.
It didn’t take me long to recognize that Randy’s love language is quality time. The effort that people put into having him in their lives was valued. Randy had a deep appreciation for those that showed him the unconditional love and support- especially after his diagnosis. I remember him seeing how many people were telling us that they were praying for him when we found out about his diagnosis that it brought him to tears. He told me that he didn’t realize people cared that much about him. That statement brought me to tears as I told him that he didn’t realize how loved and truly valued he was by so many people. And throughout this process, many people asked how they could help and we never knew what to say other than to pray for him. We also said that we would never forget those people who were always there for us throughout this fight. That is a love, support and kindness that cannot be repaid.
Randy was my eternal optimist. He referred to himself as positive Paul and I was most definitely his negative Nancy. When it was decided that he would start chemo in January, I looked at him and said, “you know that chemo is 97% INEFFECTIVE, right?” He smirked and said, “always my negative Nancy”. I wasn’t trying to be negative but merely realistic.
But throughout the good days together, we had so many laughs. I know some of you might take this the wrong way but I’ll explain... we had been talking with a friend and randy said, “we laugh so much in bed together” and it was quickly taken out of context but we explained that we put the birds to bed and then he and I would have an hour or two in bed together to talk or watch something before we took our medicines and went to bed. Randy knew what that time together meant to me. A few weeks ago, randy was attempting to tickle me and I was attempting to get off of the bed but he had my hands, making it difficult for me to escape. I dont know if you’ve encountered his strength or grip but to put it lightly, I couldn’t escape! Our running joke was “Veronica will save me!” So I said “hey Siri text Veronica” to which Siri replies “what do you want to say?” Every time I tried to say “save me!!” Randy went “ahhhhhh!” To block out my voice. I believe the message she did receive that night simply said “Siri”. Randy would make me laugh until I cried so many times. He had an extraordinary sense of humor that I’ll never forget. He was even funny with our birds. He tried so hard to get Ezri to say “I’m getting used to this new body” because how creepy would it be to come into someone’s home and a bird says “I’m getting used to this new body!” And no matter how many times I told him that parrots will repeat what you say (even just once) I’m not sure he completely believed me. One time, in the infinite number of times Ezri said “what’d you do?” Randy decided to be funny and reply “your mother!” Days later, we woke up on Sunday morning to have Ezri say “what did you do?! Your mother!” He would tell people about it and say “Ezri has jokes!” I felt like it was par for the course since she was his bird and she was funny just like him.
All joking aside, Randy loved a wide variety of movies. He never objected to watching chick flicks with me. There is a movie called “the fault in our stars” and he really loved that movie. We actually tried to watch it one night after our wedding and discovered that our DVD player was no longer working. However, if it is okay with you, I’d like to share a quote from this movie but add his name to it because I feel it’s true and it is fitting.
“I am not a mathematician, but I do know this: there are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There's .1 And .12 And .112 And an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are simply bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. I want more numbers than I'm likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Randy than he got. But, Randy, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. You gave me a forever within the numbered days,
and for that I am eternally
grateful. I love you."
I don’t know how to live in a world that Randy is not in. I don’t know how go to bed every night without his arm around me or his hand in mine. I don’t know how to no longer look forward to 3pm because that’s when he will be home and walking through the door, come over to me and say, “hello beautiful!” I don’t know how to go on without his little signs of affection. I don’t know how to no longer hear those three precious words that mean everything. The very last thing Randy said was “I love you too” and I have been clinging to those words ever since.
I always told randy that I loved him to Pluto and back because it takes a lifetime to get there and back. Randy always told me that he loved me as far as the East is from the west.
I love you Randy. I love you more, most, first, and best. I always will.
You made my life... I just don’t know how to now survive it without you.
p.s. You can still submit any question you may have about our relationship, marriage, cancer, caretaking or widow life to be answered in a future blog
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