Sometimes I just feel like my mind is playing the most epic tricks on me. There's literally no other way to explain it.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if any of this happened at all. Sometimes I have to look at our photos to believe that this man existed and that he was mine. Sometimes it just doesn't seem real. I met this incredible man and we fell in love, we got engaged, we got married and I lost him all within 22 months. It just doesn't even seem possible. How could I have met him, married him and ultimately lost him in such a short time frame? On average, couples date for 25 months before getting engaged. The average length of engagement is 12-18 months. The average length of marriage in the USA is 8.2 years. Statistically speaking, I feel as though the odds were not in my favor.
Randy and I were very intentional in our relationship. We didn't want to hurt each other and did everything we could to ensure that we didn't. Randy and I did not share our first kiss until 6 months into our relationship as well as saying "I love you" to each other. We were 9 months in when he proposed at the Clearwater Marine Aquarium.
Going into our relationship, we stated that the intent in dating would ultimately be for marriage. We were crystal clear with each other. Communication was a strong suit for us. We were always together and always talking. Losing everything that we had has been unbearable.
There is another part of me that continues to hope that I will awake from this nightmare and he will be beside me in our bed. Unfortunately for me, this is a living nightmare that I will never awake from. I keep hoping to see him walk through the front door and tell me "hello beautiful". I keep waiting for him to come into our bedroom and join me in bed. I keep longing for the one mores. I want this nightmare to end. I want my husband.
My unfortunate reality is that at 31, I am part of this horrific club. My husband died and he can't come back. I have no doubt that my mind will continue to play these tricks on me. It will continue to make me question if he was real in my life or if he will come home. My heart and soul long for him.
Comments