When I first met Randy, I did everything within my power to push him away. I didn't try to push him away because I didn't want him but only because I was trying very hard to get him to understand the severity of my disorder and what he was signing up for in a life with me. I needed him to understand that because of my disorder, he would not have the average lifespan with me. To be fair, the longest relationship I had since this diagnosis was 2 months so I did not want to get attached to him if he was going to leave like the rest of them.
I remember the night I told him that the average lifespan of an RSD patient was only 37 and I asked him if he wanted to leave because it's a limited time. At that point, that's 8 years away. He told me that knowing this, it made him want to make the most of the time we had before it was too late. None of what I tried to prepare him for mattered because he loved me and wanted a life with me regardless of how long that may or may not be.
In the summer of 2018, Randy promised me that he would love me and take care of me for the rest of MY life. He always made an effort to make sure I knew how much he loved me and that he wasn't going anywhere. Those little signs of affection that showed me that love and security within us, they meant everything to me.
When Randy was hospitalized in May of 2019 for neutropenia, he asked me a question and I genuinely don't remember what the question was but I remember looking at him with tears in my eyes and responding, "I just want the life you promised me. You promised to love and take care of me for the rest of MY life- not yours." He nodded and said, "I'm trying" and I said, "I know you are."
I never ASKED Randy to fight for his life. I never asked him because I didn't feel that it was my right. At the time of his diagnosis, I was only his fiancé but he chose to fight because he needed more time with me. Don't get me wrong, I am forever grateful for the time that I was blessed to have because he chose to fight for me. There were times when Randy would tell me that he was struggling with chemotherapy and I would ask him, "are you saying that you're done?" With tears in his eyes, he would just shake his head. My brave soldier carried on because he needed more time and he knew I did too. At that point, I am the wife and I still didn't feel it was right to tell him that he had to keep going in treatment if he was done. Cancer treatments are brutal and I'm not going to pretend that they aren't. I have been fortunate enough to not have to do it myself but I cared for my beloved husband every single day of his 11 month battle and many days were a struggle. My heart broke on too many occasions and sometimes I felt like I was in way over my head. Those are the days I was grateful for the on call doctors that promptly returned phone calls.
There was one occasion where I boldly asked Randy to keep fighting. That day was November 4, 2019. After everyone left for the evening, I was by his bedside telling him that I needed him to fight for me because I needed more time with him. I told him I wasn't ready to say goodbye. He nodded and said, "I'm trying" and I said, "I know you are."
Randy was in and out of consciousnesses because of the dilaudid and morphine and after this exchange, I fell to my knees, crying, begging God to take me instead. My husband had so much more to offer this world than I will ever have in my lifetime. Please, just take me!
It was in this moment that Pastor Samuel comes in and prays over Randy. In talking with him, he mentions that everyone wants to SEE a miracle but no one wants to BE the miracle. Randy did want to be that miracle though! He wanted to fight this, beat this and give this as a testimony to God's glory. He wanted to be that to others. My husband NEVER shied away from witnessing to people and this was going to be one more way for him to do it. He would always tell people that "My God is bigger than cancer." His faith didn't waver because of his cancer.
There were a few nights where I told him that I wish so badly that I could have taken this on for him. I told him that he had more to offer than me. I equally told him that I probably wouldn't fight it. That statement isn't because I didn't want the time with him but only because my daily life is a struggle as an RSD patient. I am always in pain and I honestly don't want to do it longer than I have to. Those statements disheartened him but he understood where I was coming from. I just wanted to take away his pain. I didn't want him to endure this awful pain from the cancer and the treatments.
We should have had more time. It should have been me. I should have been the one that went first. We were prepared for me to go first. My husband had so much to offer the world but it was tragically cut short.
Count your blessings before it is far too late.
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