I Get It Now, Randy

I have previously stated in other blog posts that Randy and I went into our relationship where we were prepared for me to go first. He was prepared to be the widower. The idea would make him tear up but it was a harsh reality for us. Within 1 year, everything changed and I had to prepare for the very real possibility that I could be the widow.

In our 22 months together, when I would talk to him about if he were to lose me, I told him that I would want him to move on from me because I wanted him to be happy. He told me every single time that he wouldn't be able to because I was his one true love. I was that person that he would be incapable of getting over. He told me that he would die of a broken heart if he were to lose me. I told him that I would tell others to make sure he moved on because I didn't feel like I was that special (I still don't feel that special).

Now, I have been in bed for days, crying my eyes out and just utterly inconsolable and I get it. It took losing him to understand where he was coming from. I told him I would not survive losing him, and I don't think he is surprised by my intense grief. At no point did Randy ask me to move on from him. He knew that I would not be capable of it. He knew that losing him would consume me. He 100% believed me that I would not survive losing him and I am therefore, in bed, waiting to see if I become the statistic for a young widow. I am left to see if I am one of the widows under 40 that is 7x more likely to die within 6 months of losing her spouse. I don't think anyone will be super surprised if that does become me but I fear that I will be blamed for it. I fear that my loved ones will resent me because I know I won't survive this.

I wanted Randy to be happy with or without me. I never realized how truly devastated he would be if he were to have lost me instead. I get it now, Randy. I do. When you said that you wouldn't be able to move on, I thought you were just being silly. I now know that this is why you never asked me to move on from you. You knew that it was never going to be possible. I'm sorry that I asked this of you because I wanted you to be happy, with or without me. I'm sorry that I didn't fully understand. I get it now.