I was not blessed with a long life with my husband. I used to tell him that I wish I could go back in time so that I could find him sooner and love him longer. I know that's a super common cliched phrase but I meant it with every fiber of my being. We both acknowledged that we needed more time than we were likely to get with each other. I absorbed every single moment that I could together. In our 22 months together as a couple, I had 6 months and 10 days of married life with him. I did not get ONE married Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Valentine's Day. I won't even get to celebrate a ONE year wedding anniversary with him. All of my days with him crumbled before my eyes in the first week of November.
Since losing him, I have felt the need to unfollow people on social media that are newly married or getting married because it feels like a gut punch. It probably sounds very childish of me to unfollow them but it physically hurts to not be able to share that same joy. That's not to say that I won't follow them again one day when I'm in a better head space but right now, just about everything about that hurts. The phrase " ___ down and forever to go!" gets under my skin for the sole fact we just don't know how long we actually have. Again, maybe it's super arrogant for us to believe that we would have years or decades.
Once upon a time, I posted a photo on Facebook where a wedding dress was placed in a shadowbox in the house and I captioned it with "GOALS!' but the thought of that now would be gut wrenching. I would not be able to look at my beautiful wedding dress without falling into a pool of tears.
I felt like I needed to abstain from the Bible study "adorned" this semester because of so much of this book being about a wedding, marriage and relationships. I'm not ready to go there. I would look like a psycho, bursting into tears at every turn. Mentally, it didn't feel like the best move to push myself into this situation.
It hurts to go out in the world and see everything covered in Valentine's Day. It hurts to see the "this is us" frames and home decor that stores sell. It hurts to see the wedding photo frames. I had to cover the wedding frames we were gifted (currently in a box) but have been unable to use due to issues with our wedding photographer's photo quality. It hurts to go to Hobby Lobby and see any of the wedding stuff. I try to avoid that entire area at all cost.
Do you know how often I see the "Happily ever after" stuff and I question if there is such a thing as "happily ever after"?
These are all daily reminders of what I no longer have. My husband is no longer with me. I can no longer send him photos of those pieces of decor that made me think of him or our life together. For instance, we always said we needed a "bless this nest" because we have birds and that would be fitting in our home. Those cheesy photo frames that used to make me smile just make my eyes fill with tears now. It is a daunting reminder of this loss.
As much as I would like to believe that I feel this way because I was robbed of a life with him, I know that's not true. Every single day without him is a struggle. Every single night is overwhelmingly painful. Every holiday without him will always be immensely difficult.
Maybe I should hide inside until we are clear of the holidays. For a moment, I would believe that would work but we both know that social media likes to haunt me too.
This photo was taken on Valentine's Day 2019 while we were in Chicago cheering on our friend who was competing in a National Pageant.
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