Faith

I met my husband on Christian mingle. Yes, it does actually work!

I met him 3 days into my membership and we would joke that I needed a refund for the 87 days left into my membership that went unused because I had found my person.

At the time of meeting Randy, I was beginning the winter semester bible study about the book of Nehemiah. We were not attending church together yet but we would share things about our churches. I think he attended a service with me about 4 months into our relationship.

In the summer of 2018, we started searching for a home church for us close to my home. I didn't have a "home church" because of what had happened to the church I was a member of. I was attending a church I attended as a child but it didn't feel like the best fit anymore. Randy and I went to a good amount of churches! There were two churches that made me feel deeply uncomfortable. We finally landed at Trinity United Methodist Church and this church felt like home. This church is wonderful and we loved it. This church didn't just have heartfelt services but a sense of fellowship within the church which other churches we visited lacked. My membership transferred since I was a member at a different Methodist church. We thought Randy would have to do classes because he did not come from a methodist church but they went ahead transferred his from his previous church as well.

It was at this time of finding our church that the 2018 fall semester was about to begin. I chose to stay with the same group which would be studying 1 Peter. This was important to me because I needed to know what my role would be as a Christian wife. I needed to know what my job was as the submissive Christian wife. This was an important part of our future marriage and was a topic of discussion in that fall semester between us. I needed to know what he expected of me. I needed to know what God expected of me as a wife.

We were 3 months into our engagement with 4 months until our wedding (to take place at our home church) when we learned that Randy had stage 4 cancer.

My faith was shaken.

At the time of his diagnosis, a new semester of bible study was about to begin and that list of potential classes was out. I had thought about sitting it out because I didn't like the idea of the study that the group I had been with was doing. When the list of available studies came out, I cried. I showed Randy the list and he was struck by it too. "God's promises when life gets hard". I was sitting on the couch and he was crouched down in front of me and he said, "You NEED to be there. You need this right now." I signed up and I was there almost every week. I missed 1 week because of the flu and the other was because of Randy's well-being. This bible study was a struggle and at the same time it was eye opening. The idea of submitting to God meant that I had to hand my husband over to Him and put it all in His hands was so difficult. I would try and discuss it with Randy through my relentless tears and shaking body but he agreed with them. He said, "we have to keep God at the center of our marriage and that means that you have to let Him decide." At that point, I couldn't bear the thought.

I said so many times in this 11 month fight, "I don't understand why God would bring me this incredible man, only to threaten to take him!" It shook me to my core. Randy would tell me that I needed to have faith that God would take care of us. Instead, I broke my husband's heart by saying, "If I lose you, I will never step foot in church again. I won't be able to forgive it. I don't understand this. I don't understand bringing you to me and then threatening to take you. I can't lose you." I broke his heart.

I attended church with him on the Sunday's that we could. There were times when it was dangerous and there were times when we couldn't because he was scheduled at the infusion center. My heart was so broken that I really couldn't get into the services. To be fair, I still feel that way. I think there were 1 or 2 Sunday's that we stayed home because I was struggling mentally. Randy understood and I didn't stop him from going if he wanted to. One time he went without me.

I abstained from attending bible study in the fall because I had extreme concerns about exposing Randy to an illness. I was still so haunted by the neutropenia hospitalization that I wanted to do everything I could to prevent that from happening. I needed to protect Randy. My leader recommended that I pray on it and talk it over with my husband. Randy told me that if I felt this strongly, there was a reason I did so he supported me sitting this semester out.

In the end, there would have been a month left in the fall semester at the time of Randy's passing. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I made the right choice. I protected Randy.

It wasn't until those final days in the hospital when I fully grasped the concept of letting God decide. I had to submit it to God's will- not my own. If it was God's will to heal Randy, it would be the greatest thing to happen to us but if God chose to take him, we would have to accept that. In those last days, my mom pointed out that God didn't bring Randy to me but brought me to Randy to get him through what would be the most difficult time in his life. If I wasn't there, he would not have had anyone to care for him or to be there for him? That is a painful thought because it comes at a cost. Getting my husband through this very difficult time comes at the cost of my heartbreak and the heartbreak of my friends and family. Everyone that met him because we were together are affected by this loss.

I lived in a constant anxiety attack while he was in the hospital and even when he arrived home, in home hospice care. I was never going to be ready to say goodbye but I am grateful that he did not have this prolonged suffering. When Randy arrived home, they carried him into our home in what looked like a burlap sack. and the 5 men almost dropped my 200 pound husband 5 times! My husband who struggled to speak and was down to a whisper was moaning and groaning in pain because they were shaking him up. At this point, I am in tears and my prayer is no longer for healing. My prayer shifted because I didn't want my husband to hurt or to suffer. I prayed, "God, I know that Randy is in pain but if he is suffering, please just let him come home. Please take him home. Don't let him suffer. Let him come home." I never imagined saying that about my husband but watching him in that much pain more than I could handle. I asked God to end his suffering at the cost of my own. I would have to live my life without him and that is a pain I live with every single moment of the day. I am grateful that what they attempted to prepare me for did not take place. My husband passed quickly and in his sleep.

My husband's funeral service was on a Saturday. I knew that if I didn't go to church the next day, it would only get harder and harder and harder to go back. I know this is where he wants me. I need faith that one day, it will get easier to strengthen my faith but right now, I'm so broken. I am trying to do what Randy wants me to do. I'm trying very hard to honor him with each passing day. Some days are harder than others, but I'm trying. I hope he knows that. I hope he forgives me if I disappoint him.

This is a photo from my birthday in 2018