Going into this relationship, Randy was prepared to be the widower. He knew that time with me could be limited and he didn't care. I really believed he would run away from me because it was a set up for heartbreak. We knew to cherish the time we had. The average lifespan of an RSD patient is 37 which would've given him 8 years with me. When I told him this, I asked him if he wanted to leave, he said he just wants to make the most of the time we had. He was prepared to lose me.
When we learned of Randy's diagnosis, I had to then prepare myself for the very real possibility that I could be the widow. The thought was more than I could handle. The thought of losing the love of my life made me drown in a pool of tears. He held me as I cried to him with intense fear of losing him. In that 11 month battle, there were an endless amount of tears and the majority of them were from me. Randy wasn't concerned about the prospect of dying. He was at peace no matter how this was going to go. I, however, was not at peace with it. He attempted to comfort me, telling me that he would be fine and that I shouldn't worry. Telling me not to worry is a waste of time because it's all I ever do and he knew that.
At the end of the summer in 2019, when I began having severe anxiety attacks over his health, we decided that we would die together so that no one is left behind. We decided that if things got bad, we would die in a car crash together, even if we had to go over a cliff because then we would still be together. We didn't want to be apart. We wanted to be together in life and in death. We weren't given that chance and we didn't know how bad it truly was until it was too late. We couldn't go over a cliff together. We couldn't end it all together.
Randy told me that if he lost me, he would die of a broken heart. When I would tell him where things were and give him info on things he would need to know in the event of my passing, he would tear up. The prospect of losing me was not something he wanted to think about. I told him so many times that I wouldn't survive losing him. . (Please do NOT tell me I have already survived it because you are not the one standing in the eye of a hurricane that does not let up-- losing him is a storm that never ceases). He knew that I wouldn't survive losing him. Watching me cry, constantly, was something foreign to him because no one had ever loved him so much that they cried over the prospect of losing him. He never questioned my love for him and he never had to. Dying together meant that no one was left behind. No one would have to be left to die of a broken heart. No one would have to try to pick up the pieces of shattered hopes and dreams of our future. Neither would have to give a heartbreaking eulogy at the other's funeral.
Now, I feel like I am standing in the fire, hoping the smoke will clear but instead, I'm choking on the smoke. I am dying with each passing day. It doesn't get better, it just gets worse. Every single day that I have to wake up without him is not better- it is WORSE. The relentless fire only rages on.
I have never felt more alone than I do now. You cannot fathom the loneliness that I am now subjected to by losing him.
You left without me. You left me behind.
You knew I couldn't do this without you.
p.s. you can still submit any question that you may have about our relationship, marriage, cancer, caretaking or widow life to be answered in a future blog post
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