Someone once told me that I need to write what scares me. A few blogs on here have scared me to post but those blogs tended to be more popular. This is one that terrifies me to post because I fear it will be taken the wrong way.
The majority of people know how much I love my husband. Randy was my world. I would have done anything for that man because he meant everything to me and when you love someone that much, you would do anything for them.
I did not know that my husband had cancer when I met him. We were engaged when we found out. There are too many people out there that I'm sure would walk away but any vow I would make to him would have been meaningless by doing so. Randy knew how much I loved him but you can only imagine his fear that I would walk when he told me that he had cancer. Special thanks to his mother for that one!
I walked into the unknown with the man I love. We went into chemotherapy. I was at the infusion centers. I was at the doctor appointments. I was at the scans. I was at the radiation treatments. I was at the hospital stays. This is an unbelievably terrifying world to be in.
I abstained from bible study for the fall semester in 2019. As registration opened, I became more and more terrified about exposing Randy to illnesses as a result of my attendance. It was shaking me. I was advised to discuss it with Randy. I told Randy my concerns and I was shaking and crying.I kept thinking about seeing him in the hospital, AGAIN! I kept seeing that hospital stay when he was neutropenic! That was TERRIFYING! He told me that if I am this scared, there is a reason I am this scared. He supported my choice in abstaining for the semester. Back then, my only concerns were the common cold and flu illnesses that circulate.
Here we are, March 2020. Randy would have been out of chemotherapy for about a month at this point. Randy's immune system would have been starting to rebuild. Mind you, it was around this point when he was admitted for neutropenia in 2019. It was at this point in recovery that he got worse in terms of white blood cell counts instead of better. The guilt of this thought brings me to tears... but I told my mom that I'm so thankful that I don't have to worry about Randy and this virus. Anyone with an actual brain cell knows how much I want my husband here. They know how much I miss him and how much it's destroying me to not have him by my side. I love him more than you could imagine. Equally, the people that know me know how much I worry. These people watched fear eat me alive in 2019. I lost a lot of weight leading up to our wedding because of cancer stress and my dress didn't fit right because of it. I cannot understate how much fear, stress and worry ate at me. So when I tell you this, you can only imagine where I would be right now as we globally face Coronavirus.
I can tell you that my husband listened to me and my concerns. If I asked him to wear those masks and gloves, he did. When I asked him to stay home, he did. He knew how much his condition scared me. There was Sunday when his white blood cell count was low and he couldn't have treatment on Friday, but on Sunday he wanted to go to church. I gave him a condition to going. He had to wear the mask and he couldn't touch anyone. He couldn't shake hands, he couldn't write our attendance card, he couldn't hug anyone- none of it. Keep your hands in your pockets! He agreed. He did it.
I have to believe that right now, Randy would equally be showing the same concern. He would be worried about his wellbeing. Not having him, I think about all those cancer patients and how they are coping with this. My thoughts and my prayers are with the patients and the families. Those with the compromised immune systems, my heart is breaking because I can only imagine the fear in the unknown you are facing. It is a scary time in our world. Even though I am not concerned for my life (because yes, I do have a death wish- I genuinely don't want to be alive), I worry for you. I am thinking of you and I am praying for you through your battles. I hope you all stay safe in the midst of this.
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