One can only imagine how many major eye rolls I have done to the statements that have been thrown my way in the wake of my husband. I don't think people realize how hurtful these statements can actually be. I won't highlight them all but here are a few that truly bother me.
"At least you didn't have children."
You know what, when I was young, I wanted children. I wanted to be a mom more than you know. I used to tell people that if I didn't have a kid by 25, I would go to the *bank* and make a withdraw so that I could have a kid on my own. That plan changed when I got hurt at 22 that disabled me. The longer it went on, the more obvious it became that I wouldn't recover. My body is severely damaged and cannot be fixed. I had to give up on that dream. So when you tell me that "at least you didn't have children", I don't think you realize how hurtful that is. If we had the capability of having a child, at least I would have a piece of him here. At least I could look at that child and see him in the child. At least I would have something to live for when I have nothing to live for anymore.
"At least you were able to get married"
You're right. At least I managed to marry him as planned. We were already engaged and planning our wedding when we learned he was sick. We were 4 months away from our date. We actually tried to get married on 12/31/18 so that he would receive the marriage tax credit but we couldn't because his awful ex-wife wouldn't give him the divorce decree. She had it in her email, so all she had to do was forward it and she wouldn't do it. The courts require the divorce decree to prove that he was not still legally married. Since Butler County courts were closed for New Years, we couldn't get it ourselves. The plan was for us to put that money towards his treatments. That was the final year for that marriage tax credit. His ex-wife obliterated our hope to get married and put that money towards his treatments. She didn't care he was sick. She never cared about him at all and the phone call made it clear. Granted, even if we had been able to get married that day, we would still have come up short of having a ONE year anniversary. I would have had more time with him as a married couple but it still would have only got us so far before he was taken.
I had 6 months of marital bliss with him before he was taken. If you think that 6 months was enough though, you're mistaken. I didn't even get ONE year. I may have been able to marry him but I didn't get to experience the major milestones that the majority gets.
"At least he didn't have a prolonged suffering"
Randy should have received and Oscar for the performance he put on for you guys. You saw what he wanted you to see and I saw the truth. He put on a great show for you and when we got home, the truth came out. He curled up in bed and went to sleep. He was often sick. He was always tired. He didn't want you to see it because he wanted to be a testimony to God's mercy and healing. I often urged him to reconsider because if no one sees the bad, how can they rejoice in the good? How can they know how far you have come? For 11 months, I watched him fight like hell for his life. 11 months is a prolonged suffering. I will grant you that his final days, I am grateful that it wasn't prolonged. When he arrived home, hearing him moan and groan as they nearly dropped him upon arrival, I prayed that God would take him. I asked God to take him so that his suffering ended but it came at the cost of mine. I never wanted to live a life where he wasn't in it. I didn't ask for this. I wanted a life with my husband. At the end of the day, you didn't live with this. You only saw what he wanted you to see. I saw the truth. I saw him fight for 11 months. That is prolonged. If you're only talking about the final days, I'll agree with you but urge you to keep in mind what led us to that point.
Please think about the words you throw my way before you say them. More often than not, they are hurtful and in no way helpful.
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