"Are you angry at him"

I have been asked two different questions that I would like to discuss today.

The first is "Are you angry at Randy?" this question came because I have been heard stating that he "left me behind". He left me behind because we were not afforded the opportunity to execute our "escape plan". We said that if things got bad and we knew we were at the end of the road, we would die in a car accident together even if we had to go over a cliff together. We had no idea that we were at the end of the road. We were not given the opportunity to execute that plan. He left me behind. I have been left behind in this world and somehow expected to live this life without him. I don't know how on earth I could be angry with him for dying because he developed cancer. He was given a medicine he never should have been given that I blame for his death. I'm not mad at him. I'm mad at the doctor.

"Are you angry with God?"

I effectively broke Randy's heart when I told him that if I lost him, I wouldn't be able to return to church because I wouldn't be able to forgive it. I can tell you that the day after his funeral, I returned because I knew that if I didn't, it would get harder and harder to go back. I asked God every single day to heal my husband. The day he came home, I asked God to take him because I wanted his suffering to end. I can't be angry at God for that. I'm angry that my husband had cancer. I'm angry that we didn't get to have a long life together. I'm angry that we were cut so tragically short. But I'm trying so hard to do what Randy would want me to do. Part of that is staying in the church.