Q: “How did Randy end up taking your name instead of you taking his?”
A: There were many reasons for this. As a woman, you are prepared to lose your name. I never thought that it would be the other way around. Biologically, Randy was not a Tye. His mother had already divorced Mr. Tye and was dating Mr. Lacy when she became pregnant with his child. For whatever reason, she did not give Randy his father’s name and also left his biological father's name off of Randy's birth certificate. However, Randy didn’t want that name because his father (I was told) spent 25 years in prison for raping a minor. It was not a name he wanted association with. For awhile, he toyed with the idea of changing his last name to his mother’s maiden name. In December 2018, he went to my parents and asked if he could be a MacDonald. He loved our family unit. He loved that we had a close family that always supported each other and always there for each other. Marrying me wasn’t enough- he wanted that name. He was very excited when it was finally official in June. He often told people that he loved my family more than his own as the reason behind taking my name.
I teased him a lot that he ruined the perfect wedding hashtag (#TyeTheKnot) but it was really sweet that he loved my family so much that he wanted the name.
Q: “What is the best way to check in on you?”
A: This is a difficult question because I feel that every day is different. Every single day brings its own set of challenge that make my emotions to be a rollercoaster. Some days you can probably text me and that’s sufficient. If the choice is to text me, please don’t be the person that asks how I am and when I speak up, you say “I know hun but it’ll get better”. It’s not helpful and it just makes me feel that much more alone. Sometimes, I genuinely need time to myself. Sometimes it may be going out to dinner or something- something to get me out of the house. If you make the choice to check in, I need you to really be there and not just being polite.
Q: “How can I help?”
A: be there for me. Superficial help isn’t helpful but truly being there for me and listening to me is very helpful. You may not always know what to say but being there through the worst time in my life doesn’t go unnoticed.
Q. "Was Randy's cancer a result of smoking?"
A: No. His cancer developed as a result of acid reflux that we were unaware that he had. He had absolutely no symptoms of having acid reflux. We discovered all of this because of a pain in his side that we later learned was his liver. Since he had lesions in his liver, that was our signal that something wasn't right. Unfortunately, this kind of cancer is one that you learn of when it's far too late.
Q. "Did you know he had cancer when you met him?"
A. He probably had the cancer when I met him but we were unaware of it. We learned of it when we were 4 months away from our wedding. We were actively wedding planning as we learned of his diagnosis.
Q. "What was Randy's reaction to his diagnosis?"
A. It really didn't phase him. He was crying when he came home because he believed I was going to walk away because that's what him mother did to the man he called his father. It traumatized him. As far as treatments or prognosis, he was not phased. He openly stated that he was only fighting because he needed more time with me. When I had to tell him we may only have weeks left, he wasn't phased. To Randy, it didn't matter if he was on earth or in heaven because either way, he was at peace. This was something that was touching to watch because he wasn't afraid. He was at peace.
Q."How long were you two together?"
A. 22 months exactly. From the day I met him to the day I lost him was literally 22 months.
Q. "What is your goal with this blog?"
A. I think it's just opening a door. When you're happily married and posting on Facebook, people share in that joy but no one really knows what widowhood is like until it is them. People don't see or understand that struggle. I'd like to open that door so that maybe someone can see what this side is like because Randy and I shared our happy marriage with the world and maybe it's important to share this side of it because no one is truly prepared for this.
Q. "At what point did you receive a prognosis?"
A. 36 hours before he died. I don't know that I would even consider it a prognosis because he pretty much just told me that we were at the end which I already knew from talking to the other doctors. His doctor broke his promise to me and allowed me to be blindsided. At 36 hours before his passing, we knew how serious things had become. Randy's organs were failing and we couldn't recover. We could not fix it. I should have received more of a heads up than 36 hours but that's what I was given.
Q. "Did you hide how serious it was?"
A. NO! NO! NO! 1000X NO!!! Please understand, Randy and I both were blindsided. Randy and I limited information being presented because it was being weaponized by his immediate family but when he was admitted, we presented all the cards because if it went south, they needed to prepare for the worst. I'll give you an example because this was literally one of the things we had done.
When Randy entered round 2 of chemo, it was because the lesions in his liver had grown in size and number. We did not tell his family WHY he was entering round 2 but simply, we are going back in. We were not going to allow them to cause more drama with lies. Sometimes, Randy handed me his phone to reply to his mom on how he was feeling to which I typically replied "fine". People who abuse information do not get information. We did not HIDE how serious it was when we didn't know how serious it had become until he was admitted.
Q. "What do you miss the most about your husband?"
A. His sense of humor. I miss that laugh. I miss the fact that there was never a dull moment in life with him. He knew how to make me smile even when it was really really difficult. He was really funny and so silly.
Q. "What were Randy's last words?"
A. He said, "I love you too" to me 2 hours before he passed away.
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